But my dear this is not Wonderland and you are not Alice…

Forgive me.  This will not be a happy post, nor will it be hopeful…well it might be, I haven’t finished it yet. I don’t like to be one of those people who whines about how unfair their lives are in any medium but I’ve been hit with a bombshell recently.  I got a phone call yesterday, one I was waiting on for two years.  I knew it was going to come.  I knew something was ending this month, I’ve been so anxious, and I thought it was something else but it’s this: I’ve worked from home since Baby Bat was born, and now my job is terminating my work from home position and I need to either come in or be terminated as well.

It’s not that I don’t want to work  (I can be a bit of a workaholic and rely on my job to get me through my life (when its not going great)…maybe that’s the definition of a workaholic?). It’s also not necessarily that I don’t want to give up my time with Baby Bat, as much as I love being with her everyday and cuddling with her on the couch while I’m finishing up, I know that in this day in age that is a luxury and I need to take care of her even if that means sending her to day care. I worked in an office building and it was the darkest time of my life…and I’ve worked 7 day a week shifts at a corporate donut shop that couldn’t keep workers in the store to save themselves, so understaffed every day, overworked everyday and with customers who have conniptions over jelly and a “cushy” office job gets the cake for my darkest hours.  It is the culture of the office I’ve come to understand and from what I have heard and seen it hasn’t gotten any better (they have a turnover rate that rivals many fast food chains and food service jobs I’ve worked for).

I just can’t see myself going back there.  I see myself walking up to the door and just turning around and picking Baby Bat up from whatever day care I’ve been able to find and going home, try to find something…anything else.  I’ve made friends with all of my bosses in the past and I have one former boss and friend who has already told me “anything you  need”.  I can’t tell you what its like to hear that, I mean really hear that over the phone and in person “anything you need, we’ll make it work”.  I’ve wanted to go screaming back to the coffee house business for years.  But I feel like I can’t now.  It’s impractical and its irresponsible since now they no longer offer health insurance and that has become so important because of Baby Bat and with politics right now; because day care is so expensive.  I don’t even know if I could afford the gas to get there, or even if I can get there what bills and what food expenses?  I haven’t been in the office since I was pregnant so you can imagine what I have for office wear, and that my friends is the very least of my worries.

I’ve always heard it said that when people loss their jobs suddenly or go through something like this that it is like life showing them the direction.  One door closes and another door opens.  Like its meant to be.  And how some people leave their jobs like this and then do wondrous and miraculous things that never would have happened if they stayed in in line, jumped when someone said jump and salted their wounds with whatever is available to them.  I’d like to think that I’m that kind of brave person, that cunning and resourceful.  But I’m afraid I’m also a very scared of failing and I am the kind of  person who will shoulder too much for the benefit of others.

If you have made it this far, I am sorry again for being so candid.  I’m not just blogging about my woes I’ve put out applications and I’ve made inquiries for day care, I’m doing everything I can and I will do everything I have to do.  Its just very dark right now, its snowing and I always loved the snow it was so hopeful and magical; but right now I feel like Thumbelina before she marries the Mole “Winter has killed everything!”

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